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Five expressions you will never need to use with kids

Kids are like little aliens. When they are born, they don’t speak but somehow, we are expected to get what they need, and want. Once they master the language, it seems like there is a world of a difference between what we say and what they seem to understand. For example, when we say “No” they understand “Yes”,  “Yes” means “Yes”, “Wash your hands” means “Don’t budge”, “Don’t budge” means “Run around the house while screaming”… I mean, it is sooo confusing. I still don’t quite get it, even after having three children.

But the thing that I get, is that there are expressions you will never need to use with kids. Either because they make no sense, or because they don’t apply. Here are five examples:

1. “Le’s not play the blaming game”. You kidding?! Let’s absolutely find who is guilty! I don’t care if it takes all day. I want to know who wrote on my shoes! Who let the freezer door open all night? I want to find the troll who dropped my phone in a glass of water. GIVE ME THE NAMES!!! And by the way, nobody’s getting out of their bedrooms until I know who did it…

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2. ‘We are a little early” Yeah, right?! That’s never gonna happen! Now that you have kids, you are late everywhere and for ever. Nothing you can do about it… The good news is, nobody expects you to be on time with one kid. When you have two, no one expects you to show up at all. And when you have more than that, nobody WANTS you to show up…

3. “Wake up!” Never, will you ever need to wake your kids up in the morning. Especially not on week ends. You’ll hear “Wake up!” a lot, but it will be coming from them, when they jump on your bed at 6am on Saturday morning. Don’t worry though, you’ll get your turn, when they are 15…

4. “Let’s go to the restaurant” Unless you are absolutely mad, you will not suggest such thing. Because, what will inevitably happen is this: your kids will be hyper, a glass will fall and break, while its content splashes on you, food will get spilled, the rascals will need the bathroom at least three times each, they will mix salt with sugar, mustard and fries in their bread plate, AND you will not eat or sit down. So forget it! Trust me, I keep trying to go, hoping that things will eventually improve as they get older. So far, no improvement…

5. “Wouldn’t it be fun to go shopping?” No, it wouldn’t. It would be crazy to go shopping with your kids, hectic, dramatic, disastrous. But not fun.  Firstly, you will spend three times more money than you had planned, but on none of the stuff that you intended. Secondly, kids will be hungry, thirsty, and need the bathroom. Thirdly, you won’t be allowed to look at anything for yourself. And finally, all the stuff that you want to get for them, they won’t like. So you’ll come home, broke, annoyed, and with the same shopping list to do. Sounds fun to you?!

So just stay put, at home, in your slippers, because who cares if someone has written on them. And enjoy the moment. It will be over way too soon…

 

Comments

  1. Lol.. I still haven’t learned my lesson about shopping. I get a hankering to go shopping for myself and think everything will turn out okay.

    • Nadege Nicoll says:

      Same here! Last year, I strapped my daughter in her stroller, determined to go shopping for myself. I picked up a few items to try on and when I turned around, she had opened a bottle of sunscreen and was plastering the stroller, her clothes and herself with it!!!

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