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How to be a supportive wife? … Or not…

Isn’t this one of the secrets for a successful marriage? Support one another, be encouraging, stick with your partner through thick and thin?, Does this apply to unrealistic New Year’s resolutions? Because if it does, my marriage is going to start showing some difficulties…

My husband made the most insane, totally crazy pact with himself. This year, he is cutting chocolate out of his life. For good. That’s it! No more of the evil stuff. He decided this all by himself. He did not ask for my approval, not even consult me for my advice or opinion. No! He just went ahead and took this life changing decision unilaterally.

You are probably wondering why I care so much. After all, if he eats less chocolate, there will be more left for me. Plus I won’t have to hide my secret stash from him any longer. So all in all, I should at worst, not care, at best, be happy. But like anything in relationships, it’s not that simple… His sudden resolution does not just affect him. It’s a whole different dynamic in our marriage. Because I have to be supportive of him. And I really, really, really don’t want to…

For me to help him be successful, I would have to give up chocolate as well. How can I be a supportive wife if I am stuffing my face in front of him? “Don’t look at me hun! Be strong! Yummy, this is sooooo good! But no! don’t look at me!!!!“ Yeah?! Sounds supportive to you?

Last year, he attempted the same stunt: he went cold turkey on chocolate. Same crazy idea. Except, by day ten, he had already bent his rule to: no more chocolate DURING THE WEEK. So he would catch up on Friday night (counts as the week end) all the way through to Sunday night. And obviously, by day twenty, we were back to our normal routine: eating a pack of chocolate in front of the TV every night. He blamed me for his failure. During his ten day of abstinence, while he was wrestling with his moral commitment, I was shoveling the evil substance in my mouth in front of him so APPARENTLY, it is my fault he gave in into temptation.

But this year, it’s different. He has this determination in his eyes, this “I won’t give up” look. Worse, his stare seems to say, “YOU won’t make me fail this time…” Directly, to me. I feel pretty bad… But not bad enough to give up chocolate and support his crazy crusade. So here is the plan I have come up with this year. I am going to convince him that his resolution is a BIG MISTAKE. I am going to show him that it makes no sense, it is pointless, and has no upside whatsoever. When you have to reason with kids, experts (whoever that might be!) tell you to use logic. Well, let’s see if it works for husbands too…

First of all, I have been very heavy on the message that “chocolate is good for you!” And it’s not just me saying it, it’s chocolate companies as well. Surely, they know!!! But Stuart is a cynic, he does not believe it. So this is going to be harder than I thought.

I tried to use myself as living proof that chocolate cannot be so bad, because I eat a ton of it and I am still fitting the jeans I bought ten years ago (albeit not zipping them up anymore, but Stuart does not need to know the details of my wardrobe dramas…). Well, that backfired a bit as my husband went on a rant about, “It’s not just the shape that matters, it’s the consistency…” Ouch! That really hurt. So what if my backside wobbles a bit when I walk? This was getting a little personal for my own taste so I decided to stick with skewed facts instead: chocolate is good for your heart, brain, waist. I mean it is so good for you, it’s a wonder the thing is not mandatory.

Anyway, all this effort has been for nothing so far. My husband is not budging: he is not eating chocolate anymore and THAT IS THAT! Selfish man…

But I am not giving up. My next plan is to stuff chocolate in his pillow case, together with a little tape player that repeats over and over, “eat chocolate… eat chocolate…”. Like a subtle message. Except , there is nothing subtle about this one, but I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do… Then, when he wakes up wanting chocolate so desperately because he smelled it all night and “a little voice in his head tells him to”, I will pretend to be supportive. “Really, hun, are you sure? Oh well, I suppose you should then!” (yeah! That’s my idea of being a supportive wife) Et Voila!! Job done. Now I just have to get on with my evil plan…

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