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Jobs a mom is expected to excel at: part one

Before I was a mom, I was working. I studied really hard, it cost my dad a loooot of money and then I got to write nice resumes about what an expert I was at the stuff I studied. And that’s the key, right here: You are an expert at ONE thing. Two at the most, if you have been a student for 25 years. So if you learnt finance, you work in finance, if your gig was law, that’s what you do. And you thank your lucky star you are not in England where you have to wear a funny wig in order to plead…

It all makes sense. You don’t want your doctor to do your tax, your plumber to cook your restaurant meal, and you certainly don’t want your lawyer to fix your washing machine! Everyone to their own, please!!!

Once you become a mom, all that nice theory becomes history. All of a sudden, you find yourself with a set of skills you did not even know you possessed. You don’t need to study or train for them, they just appear with your first child. Now you excel at so many jobs!

The first one is being a cop. I am not talking about JUST making sure laws are respected and issuing punishments for house rule violations. Nonononono! I am talking Super-cop. The one where you have to investigate who put the eggs in the dryer, why is there chocolate frosting all over your shoes, how come socks appear in the ice cube tray of the freezer every time you turn your back. THAT kind of super cop.

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Don’t expect to gather information from sensible passers-by, EVERY single rascal living with you is lying. You know that because when you ask the same question, to the same person you always get a different answer. Like,

“Did you see your brother pour the flour on the floor?”

“Yes. He did it”

“What did he do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did he pour the flour on the floor?” (Objection! you are influencing the rascal… yeah, whatever…)

“Yes.”

“Did you see him?”

“No.”

“So, how do you know?”

“I don’t know.”

You can’t rely on witnesses, because siblings are corrupt and pets don’t talk. You cannot use reason, logic, or emotional blackmail. Your kids are way better at bamboozling you than you ever will be. Nothing scares them, so threats of punishments are useless when it comes to little lawless people. So, yeah… Good luck!!

As if all this was not hard enough, you also have to go by a different set of laws. Some common stuff that apply to society are actually big NO-NO when it comes to your kids:

– For starters, EVERYBODY IS GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT. And chances are, everybody IS guilty so that’s always a good start.

– You should not give anybody the benefit of the doubt. Because the motive of a crime is ALWAYS revenge. If you end up with spaghetti sauce on your white super duper expensive jacket, try to think about who you have upset in the past five minutes. And by the way, in that case, you really brought that onto yourself. I mean, what mom even owns anything white? Or expensive? Let alone both combined?

– Lastly, there is no such thing as a fair trial: younger siblings get smaller punishments. If you are in a good mood, you will find the red duck drawing that has magically appeared on your wall really cute. Whereas last week, when you were tired and annoyed, you flipped for a tiny trace of marker on your Persian rug.

Being a cop is tough enough. being a “mom cop” is in another dimension of its own. And whatever you do, howver fair, kind, understanding, and loving a cop you are, people under five feet have no respect for your uniform. Anyone above five feet does not care…

 

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