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Three things that would change if moms ruled the world…

In our world, most stuff have been invented by men, or are managed by them. I am neither a feminist, nor a sexist, I don’t mind if a man helps me because my bags are too heavy. Unless of course, he thinks I am too old to carry the said-bags, in which case I will resort to violence (only kidding, or am I?). I am ok with being perceived as somewhat weaker, or more scared. Because that gets me out of handling any type of bugs and I HATE bugs. So I don’t have a problem with men inventing stuff, or managing things in general. But I have to admit that sometimes, these males lack a dose of momminess …

Take strollers for example. I did extensive research on strollers (i.e. looked it up in Wikipedia!). The first ones were invented in 1733. That’s almost 300 years ago. And throughout these past centuries, although many people have been involved in improving their design, comfort, maneuvering, etc… NOT ONE woman made the inventors’ list. Is it any wonder, then, that each stroller in the world has a different folding mechanism? That the button you need to push is so tiny no one can locate it? That you need both hands and feet to push and pull on so many stuff? That when you think you have succeeded, there is always a wheel out of place? OBVIOUSLY, no man’s sanity has ever depended on how easy a stroller folds…

How about supermarket trolleys? Are you even serious? Invented by a man… Oh yeah… Well, let me tell you, if men had to do the food shopping for themselves and their herd of kids as often as moms have to, trolleys would be something like this:

– You would sit in them

– It would have an engine, an auto pilot and some arms that pick up your pre programmed grocery list that was downloaded automatically from your brain, “Hello Mrs Nicoll, welcome to your food store, sit, relax and let me do the job. Would you like to watch a movie while I do the shopping for you? Your trolley”.

Instead, we have to wrestle with that big metallic clumsy thing because one wheel ALWAYS pushes the trolley on the left;  It’s heavy; The shelf underneath it is too big for standard grocery items, but too small for the bulky ones; Kids can’t sit in it past the age of three days; Somebody always rolls on your feet with their trolleys;  And when you try to load your trunk, the damn thing always rolls away on the parking lot, or bangs into the back of your car… I mean, COME ON!!!!

My daughter has a little supermarket trolley toy – probably invented by a man as well, because who wants to inflict that torture on a four year old? When she got it, she complained that it was broken because it was not driving properly. No, honey!! It’s not broken. That’s what they all do!! Welcome to your future!!!

trolley

 

 

 

 

 

Next on my list: parking meters! Guess who? A man, yes!! Before this legalized torture was invented, you used to get in your car, drop your kids on the floor (no car seats in those days) park, get your kids out and do your shopping. that was before Carl Magee. Post Carl Magee, a shopping trip looks like this:

– Wrestle with the twenty different straps of your car seat that are either too loose, or too tight. (OK, that has nothing to do with Mr Magee, but let me look up who invented the car seats … Yeap! That’s what I thought… thank you Mr Aldman!)

– Get in the car and drive

– Park

– Get the stroller out of the trunk and fight with it for five minutes as you try to remember how to unlock the bloody safety latch. You throw it on the floor with a scream and kick it with your feet, while chanting, “What the f@%$!!” Miraculously, it unfolds.

– Struggle to un-fasten the car-seat belt and the only thing that seems to help yet again is to swear uncontrollably.

– Strap your toddler in the stroller. Why is there always a strap that’s missing?! That’s another waste of five minutes …

– Wheel your child to the parking meter, listening to your 15 month old repeating, “What the f@^k?” over and over again. Then out of nowhere, a voice shouts, “PLEASE KEY IN YOUR PARKING NUMBER”. That’s when you realize that you do not know the parking spot number you are supposed to key in.

– Walk all the way back to your car. You try to locate the parking spot number but the paint has faded so you cannot make any sense of it. You walk back and forth in the parking lot to try and understand how the numbers work and, by way of deduction, what your number is.

–  Go back to the parking meter who, as soon it senses you are here screams, “PLEASE KEY IN YOUR PARKING NUMBER!”. So you do just that, accompanied by a “I KNOW!!! Shut the f#@k up!”

– Try to assess how long you will be so you can pay the right amount of fees. When you come back, you find a ticket anyway because you went 15 minutes over time…

What did you get out of that experience? Nothing! Just some totally unnecessary stress that could have been avoided if only your license plate had ben scanned at the parking entrance, your car seat and stroller could both be operated from your smart phone, and your credit card had been charged automatically while exiting the parking. Not that we have the technology for any of this…

After a few of these experiences, you only go shopping if somebody’s life depends on it. And who can blame you?

 

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