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What moms do in bathrooms…

This post was originally published on wemothers.com in January 2014. Following my submission, wemothers made a video inspired by this blog. Check it out, it’s awesome http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38AkLEqpJIo

I know a lot of men out there are wondering why women are spending so much time in the bathroom? What are they doing? Well, let me tell you, a lot of things are happening in there…

Prior to being a mom, we go to the restroom to apply our make –up; and retouch it three or four times during the day. I know it is difficult to believe. How did we go from wearing make-up to not even bothering to get dressed anymore? Just take my word for it, in our previous life, our handbag was tiny and had just enough room for some blush and twenty eight different colors of lipsticks. Today, the make-up has disappeared and been replaced with baby wipes, crumbled crackers, half sucked-on lollipops without the wrapping, pens with no cap on, pain killers (for mom’s headache), allergy medicine, juice boxes, and candies – new ones, old ones, whole or half-chewed… And forget the cute little handbag; our bag is just practical – that’s polite for ugly.

Once we become mothers, the bathroom takes a whole new place in our life. It becomes our refuge, our sanctuary, a haven of peace. It’s the only place we can run to and not be judged for what we do in it, which is:

  1. We yell hysterically at the walls. When the craziness of unruly kids becomes too much and we have used every possible option (and failed) to regain control; when no amount of reasoning, punishing or voice-raising will get anyone’s attention, there is only one thing left to do: lock ourselves in the toilet to scream and swear at the walls instead. Somehow, walls look like they have a better ability to listen than the rascals we live with.
  2. Sometimes, we take it a step further and we cry. A plain, good old cry, sitting fully dressed on the toilet. Bathrooms are a great place to cry. Because for one, there is an (almost) endless supply of toilet paper to blow our nose and wipe our tears. Secondly, we manage to get a little privacy to do that. I am not sure how that happens, because for anything else, (i.e. regular toilet business), we always have an audience. But our tears don’t draw as big a crowd…
  3. We text, google and blog. Of all the places where we could do that, the toilet is the best. We can sneak on the computer without our kids noticing. After all, we tell them off for using electronics all the time so it’s hard to keep a straight face if they see us do just that. I tried to justify myself, “It’s not the same, mom is working”. But that backfired, in the form of, “Oh yeah? On twitter? What kind of job do you have: virtual clown?” (I tell you, past the age of 5, kids are too smart for their own good!!) So now I hide in the bathroom and lie about what I do in there. But that’s cool, I can totally live with that…
  4. We do stuff we don’t want our kids to see, like ordering Christmas presents. For real, I order presents from the comfort of my toilet seat. Home shopping taken to a whole new level! I often wondered why my tiny toilet had electricity outlets in it. Now I know: to charge my computer!
  5. We hide. When we hear our kids looking for us, and we know they are on a mission to wind us up, we just crawl in there, with the lights off and sit in the dark. Nobody will come and check if we are in there, because who would be silly enough to sit on a toilet, in the dark?

I, for one love hiding in my bathroom. It feels so safe. And it’s definitely the best place to be when the house gets crazy. Here is a picture of my little piece of tranquility…

peace

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